brain overload

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ten. days.

me and miley

a few weeks ago, as a friend and i were studying for finals in the library on campus, i described for her my most recent epiphany. as i've struggled through my first two semesters at uw, i kept thinking, if i can just get through this first year, i'll be able to take the qualifying exam. when i pass the quals, i can become a disertator. i already know what my research will be and, although it's not what i would really like to study, it'll get me out of here quickly. if all goes according to my schedule, i'll defend three semesters after that. after i finally have this degree, i can go back overseas, hopefully with an organization like the world health organization or unicef or the state department. ah, then i'll be back in the 'real' world.

everything was about my 'next' adventure, after i get those three coveted letters after my name. the epiphany came when i realized that everything i'm doing right now is a means to an end. multiple ends, granted, but ends, none the less. i've been so focused on the ends, i haven't been enjoying the means. i need to remember that right now is my 'right now' adventure. and yes, there will be 'next' adventures, and by no means am i saying one should not have goals and direction, but this, today, studying for exams (remember, this was during finals), going to class, not being able to pay bills, this is my current adventure. i don't want to be in india or zambia or anywhere else in a few years and only remember madison for it's cold winters. i want to remember my time in madison as a great adventure that i took on my way to the next.

my friend looked at me and said, 'you just captured a miley cyrus song perfectly.' to which i responded, 'curly-haired study-buddy say what?'* so many questions immediately came to mind. why would my friend, a fellow phd student, smart, sophisticated, not 14 years old, know a hannah montana song? it is not a hannah montana song, she said, it's miley cyrus. nope, not better. she felt it was important that i hear this song so, as all good grad students do, she googled the song on her laptop, i plugged in my headphones, and this is what i heard:

the struggles i'm facing
the chances i'm taking
sometimes might knock me down
but no, i'm not breaking

i may not know it
but these are the moments that
i'm gonna remember most, yeah
just gotta keep going

there's always gonna be another mountain
i'm always gonna wanna make it move
always gonna be an uphill battle
sometimes i'm gonna have to lose

ain't about how fast i get there
ain't about what's waiting on the other side
it's the climb

the fact that i liked the song was made only marginally better by the knowledge that hannah, i mean, miley, didn't actually write it. the music video was ridiculous - what business does a fourteen-year-old girl have thrashing about in the rain, trying to look all sexy - oh wait, that rant is for another post. everytime she sang, 'it's the climb' she would thrust her hand into the air as if reaching for something. my friend and i decided that would be my recentering gesture; anytime i feel myself focusing on the end and not appreciating the means, i'm to simply thrust my hand into the air and remember, it's the climb!

*lame attempt at hannah montana humor

the market of farmers'

it's raining, it's pouring, the old man is snoring in madison. no cats or dogs in sight so that's something.* i'm at my office on a sunday afternoon, 'studying,' listening to pandora radio on-line, and catching up on facebook. i need to get something out of my car but, well, it's raining. and yes, i will melt. and i'm wearing flip flops (i'm from california, it's june, duh).

qualifying exams are in thirty days and i'm pretty much a big bundle of stress. i took a break from studying yesterday and went to the farmers' market with flav, sam, and the kids. here are some of my most favorite things about the market: being with the kids, spicy cheesy bread, being near the beautiful capital building, people watching, and the music (i've got some great pictures of a blues band trio called boo bradley). here are some of my least favorite things about the market: the crowds of people that move around the square like herded cattle - oh, and yesterday, there actually was cattle there. four cows. blake petted one. continuing: that's pretty much it, the large numbers of people. i'm very happy for the madisonian farming economy, but we all know how thrilled (and not at all panic-stricken) i get when surrounded by lots and lots and lots of people. it's a good thing the spicy cheesy bread is so, so yummy.

*i've been told not everyone gets my subtle references, so for those who are confused, i am referring here to the nonsensical colloquialism, 'it's raining cats and dogs'.